the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize