he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
