i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
