He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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