You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
