Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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