I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He felt like a one man threesome
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
