I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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