beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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