I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
