She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
