Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
