Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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