how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
