I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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