Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
