At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
