So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
