Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
