Your face is a jimmy john
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
