Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
