I wish I could teleport
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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