I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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