I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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