Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
