Who wears a wallet chain?!
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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