pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
