You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We need to get me chipped asap
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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