I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
