Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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