We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize