Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
