If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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