remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
