$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
