fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
