Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
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