Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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