Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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