Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize