I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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