All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
