I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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