I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
