I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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