i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
