I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
