Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
