Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
