Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
