I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
