Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
