yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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