Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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