I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
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