I think my vagina is haunted
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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