Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
